


Pray For My Sanity

by vexutopia



Series: Gideon’s Nepotism [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner - Freeform, Angst, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Bottom Spencer Reid, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reid/Hotch - Freeform, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Spencer Reid Whump, Top Aaron Hotchner, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27953942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexutopia/pseuds/vexutopia
Summary: Spencer is barely recovering from Gideon's absence. He's making all the wrong decisions, and Aaron can't keep being there to cover for him.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Jason Gideon/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Gideon’s Nepotism [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047139
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	1. [REDACTED] Loved Reid

Hotch had never been able to understand Gideon, not in any sense, especially not his escapades with Reid. In the following months, Reid had become an interesting case, showing up to the office with a brand new bruise peeking out from under his shirt. He seemed as he had with Gideon. Quiet. Reserved. A conversation on the plane further proved Hotchner’s theory that Reid had found someone to replace the man who hurt him for years. It was late, very late, and Reid was stuck between JJ and a window. He had both elbows on the table between him and Rossi, and he had one had at the back of his neck as he mumbled to whoever on his phone. Hotch tried not to listen. He tried his best, but Reid’s wavering voice floated through the silence of the jet.

“We’re nearly home. I’ll be there soon, I promise.” Reid crossed his legs, “About an hour? Three, if you count the walk to the station. I don’t drive at night.”

Hotch’s eyes flickered up as Reid laughed. He had never heard that laugh from him before. Reid’s hand squeezed awkwardly at the back of his neck as he nodded, making a little ‘mhm’ noise as he did so. Reid breathed in and out harshly, then his voice dropped very low.

“I missed you too. Bye.”

As he hung up, his eyes lifted to Morgan, who quirked a tired brow at him. 

“Who’re you missin’?” Morgan asked, his voice slurred by exhaustion.

Reid blushed, “Oh, no one important.”

“Really?” Morgan teased, “They’ve got you blushing. Am I ever gonna meet the guy who’s got you whispering on the plane?”

“I told you it’s no one,” Reid twirled his thumbs, “Go back to sleep.”

Morgan was far too tired to argue. Reid felt eyes on him, and he looked over at Hotch, who yanked his gaze away as soon as Reid caught him. Hotch glanced back to see Reid staring at him, and he figured there was nothing he could do to deny his expression had been confused. Hurt. Angry. What right did he have? When he was the one who decided Reid, not the two of them but Reid, had been rushing into the relationship? After he took Jack away? After he thought it best they end it? How could he be hurt? How could he be confused as to why Reid was moving on? Why did he care?

“Hotch?”

“Reid,” Hotch said, “You’re alright?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to tell me about him?”

“No.” Reid’s voice was soft, “There’s nothing to tell.”

When the plane landed, Reid all but ran onto the airstrip. He denied the offers of rides, but that was only because he knew the others would try to get a peek at his new lover. Reid was going to his apartment, and a very quick type in any search engine would tell someone that Reid’s new lover was the owner. Rossi invited the team to his home one Sunday to watch the game. JJ asked if she could bring Will, and Morgan asked if he could bring his girlfriend. Of course, Rossi said yes, the more the merrier, but no one was quite prepared when Reid spoke up and asked if he could bring someone. He never specified, he just said someone, and Rossi had said yes just as he had with the others. Garcia was excited to meet whoever had Reid blushing over text. She had joked with JJ and Prentiss about hacking his phone, though the two agents were sure that she was serious. Hotch brought along Jack, and JJ brought Will and Henry. Thank goodness it was sunny because a rainy day would have ruined the whole thing. Rossi had been the one to go to the door at the last knock, and he assumed it was Reid. It was, of course, and beside him was a very tall man with a head full of shaggy blond hair. He walked into the living room with Reid, and Jack turned his eyes from the TV and grinned like mad.

“Uncle Sean!”

Garcia’s jaw would have hit the floor, had it been a cartoon. The room became silent, too silent, as Jack raced across the room and threw himself into the waiting arms of the young man. Hotch stood. He and Sean stared at each other for a long time before they shared a firm handshake. Hotch looked at Reid, giving him a very hard look, but Reid could not meet his eyes.

“So, you’re the guy who’s been making the kid all giddy?” Rossi approached him, “Who would have thought? It’s good to see you again, Sean.”

“You too,” Sean smiled, “What an awkward reunion, huh? How, um, how have all of you been?”

  
  


Prentiss, who at first looked at JJ in confusion, was now as shocked as everyone else when JJ pointed at their superior and mouthed, ‘his brother’. The greetings were awkward, with Sean either hugging or giving handshakes and Reid waving to everyone, even Morgan. Even JJ. Both Hotch and Reid volunteered to retrieve the wine from the kitchen once the party moved to the backyard, while Sean played basketball with his nephew.

“Spencer.” Hotch’s voice was deep.

“I didn’t do it for the reason you think. I didn’t even know he was your brother when I met him,” Reid defended, “Aaron, I like him. And I don’t care if you don’t approve.”

“Spencer.”

“He isn’t old. I haven’t gone for any older men. You—”

“Stop.” Hotch held up his hand, “Wait for one second.”

Reid did.

“Of all the men in the world,” Hotch whispered to himself before he looked at Reid, “My brother isn’t well, Spencer.”

“I know.”

“Does he have a job?”

“He told me not to tell you any of his business,” Reid whispered. 

“He’s my brother.”

“I don’t care. I won’t go against his wishes.”

“That’s an order.”

Reid scoffed, “You can’t pull rank on me after hours. You can’t force me to tell you about Sean’s life.”

“Spencer.”

“No, Hotch,” Reid shook his head, “I refuse to tell you anything.”

“You think Jack will be confused? When we explain to him that you and I aren’t together but now you and his uncle Sean are?”

“You never even told Jack we were together,” Reid challenged, “You never even touched me in front of him. He thought I was just staying there until my apartment go fixed up. That’s what you told him, you think he never asked me about it?”

Hotch fell silent.

“Are you ashamed of me? Ashamed that you were attracted to a man?” Reid stepped forward, “Someone like me? Gideon’s leftovers?”

“Spencer,” Hotch began, but Reid kept talking.

“Aaron, I swear to God, don’t look at me like that. I know about Sean’s drug use. I know about every single relapse. I know about his past. I want to be there for him because he is the closest thing to sanity I have had in years,” Reid’s voice wavered, “He accepts me, and he understands me, and he doesn’t hide me from anyone.”

“I couldn’t tell Jack.”

“Why not?” Reid yelled, “He knows that she would have wanted you to be happy! He knows about Beth!”

“How do you—”

“I’m not stupid, Aaron!” Reid yelled louder, and Sean walked in, expression downturned, “The only reason, the  _ only  _ reason you never told him, is because I’m a man! Sean appreciates that! He appreciates me!”

Sean came up behind Reid and touched his shoulders, pulling him back. Hotch saw him act as an anchor, even as Reid fell breathlessly against his chest Sean caught him, expression unmoving, albeit his eyes were so concerned. Love. Sean loved Reid. Hotch was taken aback for a moment. Angry, even. He felt the floor swoop out from under him, and he walked past the two. He was grounded by the air hitting his face, Jack calling his name, the confused expressions of his teammates, the harsh one of Morgan’s. He felt so lost for a moment.

Sean loved Reid.

Sean loved Reid.

Sean loved Reid.


	2. Misfortune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotch and Rossi talk. Misfortunes arise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short filler.

Favoritism was a funny thing. Hotch sat at the table with Jack, Beth, Sean, and Reid, looking over the dinner prepared by his brother and his brother’s lover. Reid has been happy, happier than Hotch had seen him, in the few months leading up to Thanksgiving. Usually, Reid would spend these holidays alone. Usually, it would be Hotch and Jack. Usually, Beth would get a cup of tea and be content. Usually, Sean wouldn’t even remember it was Thanksgiving. This dinner was so far from everyone’s usual. Jack had openly accepted that Reid and Sean were together, he didn’t even question it, and he even delighted the young agent by calling him ‘Uncle Spencer’, much to Hotchner’s confused and disgruntled discontent. Seeing Reid so close to Sean, watching them smile at one another, hearing Reid’s laugh— it was all too much for Hotch, who still liked Reid, wanted Reid, no matter how much he denied it. 

As Thanksgiving came and went, Jack, spent a lot of time with his uncle Sean and Spencer. Hotch wanted to deny his son, but seeing him so happy made Hotch remember what life had been like before his son became so closed off. So unwavering. So much like him. It was nice to see Jack being childish again. Sean and Spencer took him plenty of places. The aquarium. The zoo. The art museum. And he loved them all. Jack always came back with millions of stories about Spencer and Sean, and Hotch always asked questions, always wanted to know, and his jealousy became so apparent that one day Beth decided she would not play second fiddle to a man she knew nothing of. 

“Sounds like jealousy,” Rossi said one late night, as he sat in Hotch’s office, sipping a thick glass of bourbon.

“Jealousy?” Hotch repeated, “Of what?”

“The kid. He and Sean are close. Even if it’s romantic, Reid probably knows things about him you never will. It only makes sense that you’d be jealous of him.”

“I’m not jealous of Reid.”

“So is it the other way around?” Rossi asked, “How long have you had feelings for Reid?”

“I do not have feelings for him.”

“So what is it, Aaron? What’s got you so upset about their relationship?” Rossi crossed his legs, “Do you not want Jack around them because of their relationship?”

“I’m not intolerant, David.”

“That’s what it sounds like, Aaron. Imagine you telling Reid, telling Sean, no, no— telling Jack, that he isn’t allowed to see his uncles anymore and have no explanation as to why.”

Hotch looked away, “Reid is not his uncle.”

Rossi’s frown deepened, “What’s this about?”

“It’s not about anything,” Hotch clenched his fists, “It’s not about jealousy, or them being gay, or me wanting to know things about my brother. I’m worried for Reid because I know Sean. I know what he’s like.”

“You’re afraid he’ll hurt Reid.”

“Yes.” Hotch was breathless.

“Well,” Rossi sighed, “There isn’t much we can do. Reid loves him, and your brother loves Reid.”

“They aren’t right for each other.”

“You think Reid isn’t good enough?”

Hotch swallowed.

“You think  _ Sean  _ isn’t good enough?” Rossi looked surprised, “I’m shocked you think so lowly of your brother.”

“He’s broken into my home. Sold Hayley’s jewelry and Jack’s toys for drugs. Reid has been so trusting of so many people who have hurt him so many times,” Hotch leaned back, “Sean is going to hurt him. There’s no doubt in my mind.”

“Then we’ll be there,” Rossi poured more bourbon into Hotch’s glass, “To pick up the pieces.”

* * *


	3. Of All The Men In The World

When it came to Sean, Reid never had to worry about who he was. They stood in the kitchen together, Sean’s sturdy arms wrapped around his waist. Reid pulled the spatula through the minced meat in the pan, and Sean sprinkled more shredded cheese into it. The bag of nachos sat unopened on the counter, but only because Reid had sat they should wait until everything was done.

“Aaron and I used to make nachos.”

“Yeah?” Reid glanced at him.

“Mhm. He used to add way too much cheese. Said it was better that way. Dad hated it.”

Reid was silent.

“One night, Aaron left too many dishes in the sink. We had nachos. I hid under the bed while Dad beat the hell out of him.”

“Sean, we don’t have to eat—”

“No, I want to. We’re erasing bad memories, remember?”

Sean reached over and switched off the stove. He held Spencer’s back against his chest and asked backwards. Spencer listened to him shuffle a little, then tense when a vision of black fabric came to his line of sight. 

“Sean.” Spencer grabbed his arm.

“Just for a moment.”

“Keep talking?”

“Anything for you, gorgeous.”

Sean slipped the soft fabric up onto Spencer’s eyes. He slipped it under his hair and tied it at the back of his head. After that, Sean kept his arms wrapped around his lover.

“Tighter.”

“The blindfold?”

“The hug,” Spencer pleaded, and Sean snaked arms around his upper half so he could hold hands against his chest.

“It’s just me, Spencer. We’re in your apartment. It’s just me.”

Spencer tensed when Sean kissed his neck.

“That was me, Spencer. Sean. I’m going to move away now, OK?”

Spencer nodded jerkily. Sean did move away. Spencer heard nothing. Nothing but silence. Soon enough, the stress began creeping up his arms. It dug through his skin and squeezed at his throat. It shook his knees and scratched his wrists, harder and harder until they burned. And his eyes, God how they burned, so fiercely, so intensely, he reached up and ripped that thing off. He launched himself onto the floor and scrambled away from it, swatting at the air and pulling at his hair. Sean did not come to him. Reid, body shaking, looked around the kitchen with bleary eyes. Sean stood there, staring down at him. He touched his arms and gently lifted him to his feet. Spencer eyed him for a long time, then buried his head on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” Sean said.

“You don’t have to be. You didn’t know,” Spencer sighed, “I know we’re trying to help each other, but I can’t do that.” 

“Because of Gideon?”

“He’s a factor,” Spencer whispered, and they were silent.

Christmas came and went. Hotch felt odd about having Reid at his house during the holidays, especially considering his and Sean’s off-putting disdain towards it. They didn’t make it obvious to Jack, and they got him a very expensive model train set. Three weeks later, Hotch woke up in the middle of the night to his ringing phone. Spencer was on the line, speaking calmly, although his voice was wavering a tad. Hotch was out of bed in seconds, whispering to Beth and rushing down the stairs to his car, despite his pajamas, despite his slippers and messy hair.

Spencer’s apartment was a little far off, just outside of Washington. Hotch ripped up the stairs and opened the door, panting as he ran past his agent. He opened the bathroom door and looked at Sean, who lay in the bathtub.

“Sean.”

“Aaron?”

“Sean,” Hotch said again, “Please listen to Spencer. You have to go to the hospital.”

“You know I can’t do that, Aaron. They’ll send me back to jail. I broke my parole.”

“You sold Spencer’s mother’s diamond ring, Sean. You stole his signed books and pawned them off,” Hotch walked up to the tub and knelt down, “Sean, you have a problem. You need _help_.”

“I do not.”

“Sean, you _hit_ Spencer.”

Hotch watched his younger brother look away. He chewed on his bottom lip as he slipped fingers roughly through his blond hair.

“I was tweaking.”

“I know,” Hotch whispered. “And he’s not mad. He called me to help.”

“I’ll go to jail.”

“I’ll make sure you don’t.”

Sean looked at him, then nodded quietly. Spencer was putting on his coat as the EMTs came in. Hotch watched from a distance as Spencer pushed his growing hair behind his ears and followed the gurney out. Once outside, Hotch touched Reid’s arm. He was surprised when the agent turned to look at him. Reid’s sunken eyes and bruised lip shocked him.

“Reid. Do you want me to come with you?”

“He's your brother,” Reid shrugged, “Come if you want, I don’t _care_.”

Hotch sighed, then climbed into the ambulance with the EMTs and Reid. Sean, bleary-eyed and red-faced, reached out and took Reid’s hand. Hotch watched as Reid grabbed Sean’s hand with both of his and pressed his lips to his knuckles. Both Reid and Sean looked exhausted and ready to cry. Hotch knew how drug use hit Reid, he knew he’d dealt with. He knew he wasn’t mad because he knew first-hand how terrible it could be. Sean’s hospital room was quiet, and he kept looking at his socked feet. Hotch on his left and Reid on his right. Hotch noticed that they absentmindedly touched each other a lot. Like right then, Reid was dragging his finger in circles in the palm of Sean’s hand, and Sean was staring at him as if Reid were the only thing keeping him grounded.

“Do you think I’ll be alright?” Sean asked.

Hotch went to speak, but Reid beat him to it.

“Of course you will. We’ve got our whole life ahead of us. And I’m going to be here. Right by your side,” Reid said, and Sean kissed his hands.

“You’re welcome to stay at our house, Sean.”

Sean looked at him and gave a soft smile, “I think I’d rather stick with Reid. I don’t want Jack to see me like this.”

Hotch nodded, “Of course. I understand.”


	4. Make Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Sean hits Spencer.

When Reid asked for time off, Hotch was quick to give it to him. Morgan had come over to watch the game with Sean and Reid, and that’s when Reid brought up the fact that he’d like to leave the BAU. Sean was laying on the couch with his head on Reid’s lap, biting the sleeve of his hoodie, and Reid was running a hand through his hair when he casually mentioned it during a commercial.

Morgan nearly spit his beer out, “What? Reid, what?”

“Just to take care of Sean,” Reid whispered, “I wouldn’t retire completely. I could lecture at Howard. Or Caltech. I-I went there when I was 12, y’know.”

“Reid, the BAU is your life. H-How would you even commute back and forth to Caltech?”

Reid looked at Sean as he shivered a little, and he held his hand and looked to Morgan once more.

“Sean and I would move to California. It’s a three-hour drive from Vegas. We could move there to be closer to my mom. She loves Sean.”

“Reid,” Morgan set his beer down, “You love the BAU. Gideon—”

“Gideon isn’t important,” Reid’s voice was hard, and Sean turned on his back so he could stare up at Reid, “This would be my decision, Morgan. Can’t you support me?”

Morgan frowned, “Sean? Are you alright with this?”

“I’m good with anything Spence does,” Sean sighed, “I’d go to the ends of the Earth for him.”

“I get that,” Morgan stammered, “Leaving the BAU is a serious decision. Reid. you’re so young.”

“That’s why I’m allowed to make these decisions. I’m allowed to do what I want, Derek.”

“I never said that, Spencer.”

Reid moved Sean gently from his lap and stood up, his fists clenched.

  
  


“You think you know everything about me? You think you can boss me around because you’re older?”

“Spencer, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do!” Spencer screamed, and Sean sat up, “Everyone thinks they know better than me! Everyone thinks I have no clue how to run my life! Gideon’s gone and everyone cares, but no one gave a fuck when he was here!”

Morgan stood, lifting his hands in defense, “Please calm down, kid.”

“Don’t call me that! And stop looking at me like that!” Reid began to sob, and Sean stood up and touched his arms, but he got dizzy and sat down again, “Get out, Derek!”

Morgan pressed his hands to his chest, “Spencer—”

“Get the hell out! I don’t want you here! I don’t need you here!” Spencer went to shove him, but Morgan grabbed his arms and held him, “Let go!”

“Spencer.”

“Get off of me!”

“ _Spencer_.”

Sean tried to get up, but his head hurt too much. He pressed the bottoms of his palms to his eyes and listened to Reid sob as Morgan hugged him. Morgan did end up leaving, but only after making sure Sean and Reid were settled. Sean was pacing the kitchen, rubbing his hands together. Reid sat on the couch, staring at the TV despite nothing being on. Sean picked up a glass and threw it across the room. Reid flinched and closed his eyes tightly. Thank God the apartment was sound-proof. The neighbors had not asked about Reid’s bruised lip, although the team had smothered him in questions. JJ had recommended he ended things with Sean. Reid had thought about it, he’d stared at Sean while he was sleeping and cried about it, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave him. Reid had already abandoned too many people. His mother. And Gideon. Even if Gideon had left him, Reid felt like he had somehow he had hurt Gideon. Sometimes he wished Hotch had never caught them. Sometimes he wished he could go back to the cabin. Reid had been spacing out, staring at his hands and then the TV. Sean kept throwing stuff around, screaming and kicking at the low cabinets. Reid covered his ears and bent down, trying to let Sean let his anger out. But he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t handle it.

“Sean, you have to calm down.”

“I can’t! You know about my temper, Spence. You know I can’t control it!”

Reid stood, “Sean. Please, just sit down. Why don’t you have a glass of water? I’ll hold your hand.”

“I don’t need you to hold my hand!” Sean slammed his fists on the counter when approached Reid.

He grabbed his arms roughly, and Reid flinched as he did. Sean shook him, glaring at him angrily.

“Are you afraid of me, Spencer?” Sean shook him, “Are you scared, huh?”

“Sean, you’re hurting me,” Reid’s voice broke, “This isn’t you.”

“Isn’t me?” Sean laughed, “I’ve been like this forever, babe. Before I met you. Didn’t I tell you? Aaron fuckin’ kicked me out because I was so hostile. I couldn’t be near Jack. Hayley hated me. Everyone did, Spencer.”

“I don’t hate you,” Reid whispered, weakly touching Sean’s elbows, “I’d never hate you.”

Sean scowled, then wrestled Reid down onto the floor. He held him down, gripping his wrists so he could hold him down. Reid looked at him with wide eyes, and Sean pressed his hands to Reid’s chest and pushed down.

“Are you scared of me now?”Sean screamed, and Reid let out a wordless scream before he pushed him off.

Sean watched from the floor as Reid stood up. He brushed himself off and began to cry.

“Spencer—”

  
  


“You can’t do that to me!” Reid sobbed, “You can’t just hurt me and expect me to be alright with it because you’re getting clean. You’re not allowed to hit me! You’re not allowed to hit me!”

“Spencer, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care, Sean!” Spencer wiped his eyes and took a step back, “I’m not kicking you out, but I’m not letting you hit me either.”

Sean watched Spencer walk to the bedroom. The door closed softer than he expected. Sean angered, and unnerving left the apartment in a storm of anger. He slammed the door as loud as he could. Reid had heard the door close, and he felt compelled to go after him, but he couldn’t bring himself to even stand. 


	5. Can't Promise A Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ, Morgan, and Hotch talk to Spencer. Sean makes a promise.

Spencer had been in the shower that morning when Sean stepped in, and he tensed as he felt hands on his shoulders. Spencer froze for a moment, then turned his head and looked at him.

“Spencer.”

“Sean,” he began, “I know that you’re hurting, but I won’t allow you to keep hitting me. Last night was the second time.”

“I’m sorry,” Sean gently turned him around and cupped his face, “My withdrawal isn’t an excuse. I’m real sorry, love.”

“I won’t say it’s okay,” Spencer shook his head, “Because it isn’t. I just need you to control your anger.”

Sean leaned forward and kissed his neck, “I swear to you.”

Reid stayed still as Sean pressed kisses into his back. The hot water grew dull after a while, but the two of them had not had sex. Spencer had established at the beginning of their relationship that he truly felt no connection to it if he didn’t love the other person. Of course, Spencer loved Sean, but right now he couldn’t feel the connection, that’s all. Sean understood, they’d spoken about it often, and Sean loved him. Reid arrived at work a little while after everyone else. Good thing they didn’t have a case, Reid wasn’t sure if he could handle the pressure. He was standing by the kitchenette, pouring coffee into his mug when Morgan approached.

“Mornin’, kid.”

“Morgan.”

Morgan reached out and tapped his finger against Reid’s neck, “Who went to town on your neck?”

“That’s private,” Reid didn’t look at him, “Besides, you already know.”

“Did everything go alright when I left?”

Reid nodded, “Yes.”

“You’re a good liar, kid,” Morgan frowned, “What’s wrong? You been breathing weird.”

“My chest hurts. But it’s just stress,” Reid whispered, then finally looked at Morgan, “I mean, thinking about leaving makes me a little uneasy. But I want to. I need to.”

“Leaving?” JJ, who stood nearby, looked at them with worry, “Who’s leaving?”

Reid gave Morgan a look, then looked to JJ. She stared at him with an arising concern. JJ and Reid had not been the closest lately. If anything, Reid had devoted most of his time to Sean. Reid sighed, then beckoned her away. Morgan watched the two of them move through the glass doors towards the elevator. Once they were on, Reid began to speak.

“Sean’s been going through a rough withdrawal,” he whispered, “I thought about leaving to help him out. I have to. I-I love him, JJ.”

“And he loves you,” JJ whispered, “But leaving? You’re so young, Spence.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Reid leaned against the wall, “I-”

“Did he hit you again?” JJ asked, her voice a little louder.

“No.”

“You’re lying. He did hit you,” JJ’s voice broke, “He can’t keep hitting you. Spence, it’s not your responsibility to stay with him. You’re supposed to be his boyfriend, not his caretaker.”

“I can’t leave him. If he goes out there and overdoses, it’ll be my fault.”

“Spencer. That isn't true and you know it.”

“I can save him, Jennifer!”

“It’s not your obligation to!” JJ argued, not realizing the elevator door opened back up, “He’s hitting you, Spencer! What the Hell don’t you get about that?”

Spencer nearly went to argue, but Hotch, who was waiting for the elevator, cleared his throat. JJ and Reid looked to him, guilt and worry burning in their eyes. JJ, frustrated, sent Hotch an apologetic look and left the awkward tension. Reid remained, even as Hotch got onto the elevator.

“What was that about?”

“I’m leaving the BAU. A-And Sean hit me.”

“Hit you?” Hotch turned to him, “When?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not leaving him,” Reid explained, “And I need time off. Away from here.”

“Away from Sean?”

“No.”

“Reid. He’s not well.”

“I don’t care,” Reid shook his head, “He’s my boyfriend, Hotch. I can’t abandon him.”

“He could go to a rehab center.”

“Haven’t you tried that?” Reid turned to him in a rather menacing fashion, “Did that work?”

“Reid,” Hotch held up his hands in defense, “I can’t help him any more or less than you can. We’re not experts in drug use.”

Hotch hadn’t realized what he said until it left him. Reid turned away with a hard look on his face. Hotch went to touch his arm, but he moved away. When the elevator door opened Reid was marching through the lobby, clutching his messenger bag. The metro ride home was normal, and when Reid walked up the stairs to his apartment, he was passed by two suited, burly men who scowled at him. He darted up the stairs and to his door, where he opened the oak slowly. Sean was on the floor, leaned on his elbows, coughing up blood. Reid threw his bag down and hurried to him, falling to his knees as he did.

“What the Hell happened?” Reid gasped, “It was those men, wasn’t it? Hold on, I’ll call Ho—”

“No!” Sean gripped his wrist, “No, please. Don’t call him.”

“Who were they?” Reid asked.

“Some guys I owe money to,” Sean sat up, and Reid dug through his bag and took out a napkin.

“Sean. I-I told you that you could ask me for money,” Reid wiped at Sean’s nose, “I don’t want them to beat you up. I don’t want them to hurt you.”

Sean paused, then took Reid’s hands, “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“There’s this guy,” Sean turned Reid’s hands over in his hand, “A-And he’s seen us a few times. And-”

“Are you asking me to sleep with him?” Reid snatched his hands away.

“Spencer-”

“Sean! Are you kidding?” Spencer stood up, then frowned and went to the kitchen.

Sean strained as he climbed onto the couch. Spencer got him an ice pack, then tossed it on Sean’s lap. Sean leaned back and held the pack against his head as Spencer paced back and forth. He wrapped his thin arms around his middle and tried to make sense of it. How did his life end up like this? First Gideon abused and discarded him, then Hotch invited him into his life and threw him out, and now, now Sean was asking him to sleep with other people?

“Spencer. You’re going to give yourself an anxiety attack,” Sean watched him.

Reid paused, then sat beside him, “Did they break anything?”

“Probably not. My nose hurts pretty bad, but that’s it,” Sean laid down and rested his head on Spencer’s lap, “I don’t want your money, babe.”

“I’m not sleeping with anyone either,” Spencer whispered, lifting Sean’s shirt to look over his bruises, “We have to move now.”

“I know.”

“We’d have to tell Aaron too. H-He’s my superior, he has to know that I’m in danger. And he’s your brother.”

“I hate him rubbing his life in my face. I could have had that.”

“You still can.”

Sean sat up, “Huh?”

“I mean, you and me. We could have that suburban life,” Reid whispered, “I-If you want.”

“We could get married, you mean?”

“Yes,” Reid, “If you want?”

“Of course.”

“But I’d want you to be clean,” Reid touched Sean’s face, “If we adopt, I’d want a good life for our children.”

“You want kids?” Sean asked happily.

“I’ve wanted kids since I was sixteen years old. I-I never really had anyone to care about me. I want to make a good life for someone, one I never got to have.”

“I’ll get clean, Spencer. I promise. For you. For our future kids.”


	6. 'Till Death Do We Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title says. For now, this is a filler.

Marrying Sean was something Reid never thought he would do. In fact, Reid never thought he would ever be married at all. Now though, he was standing in front of the mirror in a backroom of this church, straightening his tie with shaky hands. His mother had come from Vegas. Today was a good day for her, thank God, and Reid hoped it would stay that way. Morgan walked in, opening the door slowly. He placed hands on Reid’s shoulders and squeezed.

“You ready, kid?” Morgan grinned, “Woah, are you alright?”

Reid nodded, “Just nervous. I-I never thought I’d be here.”

“That makes sense,” Morgan shrugged, “No one could blame you for being nervous. But you love Sean, huh? And he’s better now. Right?”

“Yes,” Reid smiled, “They’re ready for me, huh?”

“Yep!” Morgan grinned, “So, c’mon kid!”

Sean and Reid decided to walk down the aisle with one another. It was sacred to them, only because neither of them had chosen anyone to “give them away”. They chose to walk beside one another because they were giving themselves to one another. Reid was nervous as he walked down the aisle, his hands shaking as he and Sean walked arm-in-arm. When they got to the altar, they turned to look at one another. Morgan was Reid’s best man, and Sean had chosen Aaron. When the minister announced they would be reading their own vows, Sean took out a small, tattered note from his pocket, and Reid stared for a moment before he looked down.

“Spencer, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that I’ve had issues with addiction, but you’re the only one who stuck by me. You helped me through it all. You loved me, even through my bad days,” Sean touched his face, and Reid flinched slightly, “I’m happy we’re doing this.”

There was a silence in the church as Reid stared at him. JJ held her breath. For a moment she thought the worst of it. She thought he would get cold feet right then, but instead, he released a heavy sigh and gave a weakened smile.

“I never thought that I would be here. Married to someone. In love. I even started a retirement fund to prepare for life alone. But then you came alone]g. And you made things alright. You made me a better person. I love you, really. I’m in love with you,” Reid took a breath, “I was afraid to be myself, to embrace who I was, who I am, because I was afraid of what everyone else would think. I hid everything about my old relationships, ugly as they were, but I feel like I don’t have to hide when it comes to you. I don’t have to be ashamed. I’m not ashamed. Not anymore. Not with you.”

When they kissed, Reid was a little shy about it. The ceremony passed easily, though Jack and Henry got a little antsy. During the reception, Reid and Sean sat at the head table beneath the purple lights. Garcia had set up the party for them, and the whole thing was very subtle. It was very  _ Reid _ . Despite the fine-drawn party, people appeared to be having a good time. Sean was getting a little jittery in his seat, so Reid placed a hand over his.

“Do you want some water?” Reid asked.

“Maybe a beer?”

“Sean,” Reid whispered, “Your sponsor said that might not be a good idea. I-I’ll have some water. You should too.”

“We said we wouldn’t count drinks.”

“We agreed not to drink,” Spencer hissed.

“Now you’re controlling me?” Sean grabbed his wrist, “Spencer you—”

“ _ Sean _ ,” Spencer whispered, and looked at Aaron, who stared at them, “Hotch, are you enjoying the party?”

“I am. Are you two okay?” 

“We’re fine,” Reid nodded, “Don’t worry.”

The party passed slowly. Hotch kept looking at them, making Reid nervous. Driving to the hotel was sort of weird, especially since Rossi hired them a driver and neither Reid nor Sean had ever had one before. They walked to the hotel suite, and as soon as they arrived, Reid slipped out of his shoes and dropped them by the door. He and Sean sat on the bed for a little while, and Sean was the first to speak.

  
  


“Y’know Spencer, we don’t have to.”

“No, no, I want to. We might not have had the best time at the party, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I should put the smut scene between Reid and Sean. Thoughts????


	7. Debts

When Sean decided to get a job, a weary feeling had filled Spencer’s chest. He’d left the BAU a month after his wedding, and he was giving lectures at Georgetown. It was good pay, and with his salary and Sean’s receptionist money, they were able to move into a quaint little neighborhood close to Georgetown and Sean’s office. It was two months later when Reid pulled up to their simple home and climbed out of Gideon’s old hand-me-down cab, where he stepped into the home and found the place empty. He called Sean, but there was no answer. The office said he’d quit months ago. And the woman next door had said she saw Sean and some men moving things into a large truck. 

Spencer went back to his empty home and threw his briefcase across the living room. He found himself sobbing as he crumpled to the floor, his back hunched as he covered his mouth. He lay there, nails clawed into the carpet as he tried to get a hold of himself. He called Sean nine times after that, and four times later on, until finally he called Hotch, who picked up on the first ring.

“Reid?”

A shaky breath.

“Reid? What’s the matter?”

“It’s Sean. He’s gone. He took everything Aaron, even the goddamn fridge.”

“D-Do you want me to pick you up?”

“No,” Reid began to sob again, “I mean, y-yeah. Can we go looking for Sean? Maybe he’s at a pawn shop. If I find him, I don’t want to be alone. If he relapsed I-I don’t think I’ll be able to hold myself together.”

“I’m on my way.”

Thirty minutes later, Reid was sitting in the passenger seat of Hotch’s car. Jack was taken to Jessica’s, and Hotch drove to Reid’s home as fast as he could. When he saw him, he was taken aback. Reid had lost a lot of weight, his clothes hung off of him as if he were a clothes iron, and he looked sickly. He wore a thick jacket with a hat and gloves despite it hardly being cold at all. Hotch touched Reid’s hand when he got into the car.

“We’ll find him.”

“I’m sure. Let’s check downtown first.”

The drive there was silent. Too silent for Hotch’s liking. He knew he had no right to be upset over Reid’s distance, having broken them up and not fully supporting him and Sean, but he sort of wished Reid relied on him the way he did when Gideon had left. He wished Reid thought more of himself than this. Even if Sean was his brother, Hotch learned a long time ago that he had to let go. He couldn’t save Sean from himself. Only Sean could dictate when he was ready. Hotch thought Reid still felt guilty about not yet finding a cure for his ill mother. Now he was projecting that onto Sean. Perhaps getting Sean clean would feel like a victory. It took three hours, but they found Sean. He was laid across the sidewalk in front of a bar with someone’s lipstick all over his neck and collar. Reid quietly got out of the car and strained to help him.

“Jen?” Hotch heard Sean say as he helped lift him. 

“No,” Reid whispered and opened the back door. 

Hotch helped Reid slide Sean into the backseat. Reid was too busy making sure he was alright, so when Hotch pulled into a driveway, he looked up in confusion.

“Hotch.”

“Jack isn’t here. Bring him inside. What use will an empty house do for him?”

Awkward as it was, Hotch helped Reid get his husband washed and dressed for bed. Reid tucked him in in the guest room and stayed with him until he drifted into a groggy slumber. Hotch came to the door and listened to Reid softly sing to him. It was funny, in a cruel way. When his father had drug problems, Hotch watched their mother baby and coddle his drunken ways until she worried herself to an early grave. It hurt to bury his mother, but he thanked God every day that cancer took his father first. He surely would have grown up someone else hadn’t it been for the kindest of his mother before her death.

“Reid? Have you eaten today?”

“Everything in that house I bought with my money. My savings,” Reid whispered, “And he sold it all. For drugs. For booze. For prostitutes.”

“Spencer.”

“I want kids, Aaron. I want a big family and a happy, quiet house,” Reid blinked a few times, “And Sean can’t give that to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Gideon made me into this. No matter what anyone says. I deal with this because anything is better than Gideon. Even you. Even if you didn’t want Jack to know that we were together,” Reid sighed, “I love Sean, I do, but I don’t think I love him the way I used to. He sold my mother’s ring. He stole my things. Now he’s stolen our livelihood to feed his addiction. I can’t do this, Hotch. I can’t keep pretending things are alright.”

Hotch took Reid gently by his hand and led him to the kitchen. He sat him on a stool and took out a large pot. Reid watched Hotch prepare the soup, and when he was nearly done, Hotch turned to his former coworker and looked upon him with sad eyes.

“The team misses you. At the BAU. The thing to be understood about Sean is the fact that he’s been like this since he was 16. You’re not the first lover he’s had who has tried to fix him. You’re not the first one to try to help him make sense of all of this,” Hotch touched Reid’s hand, “I know you want what’s best for him, but what about what’s best for you?”

“I love him, Hotch.”

“And he loves you. He should love you enough to let you go and make the family you want.”

Reid shook his head, “It’s hard, but I need to be with him. He’s the only person who’s never thrown me away. He’s proud of me, no matter what anyone else thinks. I love him Hotch, I’m in love with him.”

“Spencer, I’d never throw you away.”

“You already did,” Reid laughed sadly, “That’s just the thing. You said that I wasn’t dealing with Gideon’s absence in a healthy way. I was projecting everything onto you, expecting you to treat me the same. If we got back together now, you’d feel guilty and ask me to leave all over again.’

“Spencer. I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“But you loved Hayley more. And you love Sean far too much to date his ex-husband if we ever get to that point.” Reid touched Hotch’s face, “I didn’t love Gideon, but Hotch, I did love you. I _loved_ you. Those feelings have passed on. I’d rather us be friends in this crazy mess.”

Hotch touched Reid’s wrist, “Jack misses you.”

“Well, you tell Jack that anytime he needs me, he has my number. It’ll never change.”

When Reid pulled away, Hotch eyed the darkness that peeked out from beneath his sleeve. To think, Gideon had left and Reid had been freed from an abusive relationship, only to get right back into another. Gideon and Sean were two sides of the same coin, intentional and not, in a way, Gideon’s demons had come from the job and Sean’s had come from addiction. There was never an excuse or reason to hit your partner, Hotch believed, even if one went completely around the bend, there was never any excuse for one to be bruised and broken and the other to be the reason why those injuries had come to be.

“He’s still hitting you,” Hotch noted.

“I know that whatever excuse I come up with you’re not going to believe. He gets upset on the bad days. When I was dealing with withdrawal, there were days I just wanted to hit everyone in the room.”

“You never did.”

Reid looked away, “Sometimes Gideon would let me go at one of the trees in the backyard. Like some cliche troubled teenager in a small town.”

“Reid. Sean having a bad day is not any reason for him to be hitting you,” Hotch stood, and looked to the pot when the soup came to a boil, “What happens if someone at work starts asking questions?”

“My students are interested in my private life. And my coworkers aren’t too fond of me.”

“Why?”

“Sean sat in on my first class.”

“Oh?”

“And kissed me goodbye after.”

“Oh.”

Reid shook his head, “People are weird about me. Sometimes I think things would have been different had I stayed with anyone else.”

“None of this is your fault,” Hotch stepped closer, “You know that, right?”

“Of course. I know that there will come a point I can’t help him. I know I’ll eventually have to let go.”

“Will that time ever come?”

“No, no, I don’t think so.”

The following week came and went, and Reid bought a bed and moved himself and Sean back to their home. Hotch heard nothing from them, and he worried, of course, because he’d been calling Sean and Reid multiple times. It was Garcia, who suggested they go check on him. She, JJ, and Prentiss all rode to Reid’s home. They hadn’t been there before, not even when Reid first moved in. Garcia parked in front of the home and they climbed out of her car, walking up to the eerily silent home. JJ went to knock, and the door creaked open. Garcia stepped back as JJ and Prentiss took out their guns and moved slowly into the home. They spotted Sean first, passed out in the foyer with a gash on the back of his head. He was alive, just out cold. JJ and Prentiss exchanged looks, then moved further into the home.

They went to the bathroom where they found Reid, covered in blood and pulling his way out of the bathtub. His breathing was ragged and his hair was wet against his shoulders and forehead. JJ and Prentiss helped him out of the tub and laid him on the floor, and JJ handed him a towel so he could uphold his modesty.

“What the Hell happened?” Prentiss asked.

“Some guys stormed the house. Screaming about how Sean owed them money. I was in the shower, and I turned the water off to listen, and next thing I know some guy is yanking back the curtain and stabbing me,” Reid winced as JJ pressed a towel to the wounds in his sides, “I-Is Sean alright?”

  
  


“He’s hurt, but alive. Garcia is with him,” JJ moved his hair, “Spence, did that guy do anything else?’

Reid shook his head, “No. He knew my name, though.”

“What?” Prentiss frowned.

“He said hello to me. After stabbing me, he held me up, made me look at him. He said that if Sean didn’t give his boss the money he owed, they’d come back and kill me. Then go after my mom,” Reid winced again, then heard the sirens, “H-He’s gonna hurt my mom.”

“No one’s going to touch her,” JJ whispered, and Reid’s breathing became harder as blood seeped through the towel, “Deep breaths, Spence.”


End file.
